Only One
by suspend your disbelief
Summary: [Songfic] [KK] Sometimes physical hurt can be ignored, all for the sake of love...But what happens when the hurt is more emotional than physical? Can one be merely talked out of making the biggest mistake of their life?


**This song just seems to be everywhere nowadays.... So I was thinking about doing a songfic with this, and one day I buckled down and wrote it.**

**I hope you like it. I do, kind of....though there's just something about it that irks me. I don't know what it is right now.**

**The characters may be slightly OOC. Sorry. ;**

**Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin belongs to people more important than I.**

**The song "Only One", belongs to an awesome band called Yellowcard.**

**As always, constructive criticism is welcome.**

**Enjoy!**

**"Only One"**

{Broken this fragile thing now  
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces  
And I've thrown my words all around  
But I can't, I can't give you a reason}

The rain fell symbolically, as if to alert me to the mistakes I had made so recently. Kaoru tears fell just as wildly, and I knew I owed her so much. An apology, to start...To say I was sorry, so sorry, that I couldn't love her the way we both wanted me to. I couldn't put her in danger, I valued her life more than mine. I couldn't live without her...but to cut her off at the get-go, she wouldn't get as hurt, physically or emotionally. I couldn't taunt her or tease her with something she would never get from me. I couldn't allow myself to get that far.

Those were my musings, the same idea just reworded in subconscious ways as if to calm the hurting in my heart. Maybe if I got used to the idea that it was MY choice not to have her as my own, I wouldn't curse the fates for giving me the one thing I wanted so badly but could not have.

But...those were my own selfish thoughts. It was obvious, to both of us, that every time we were alone together...meant something more than face value. I knew she cared for me, and she knew I loved her, or at least led her to believe so... It was like an unspoken love, as if it would be jinxed if I brought it up. I couldn't tell her why, though. It wouldn't make any sense to her: "I can't love you, because it would only make you an open target."

It made sense, logically...But emotionally it was ripping me apart from the seams. I was about to throw caution to the wind and just let her become mine...I could protect her from the worst.

No...I couldn't. I can't. Not after Tomoe, I can't take chances like those again.

I'm so sorry, Kaoru....  
  
{I feel so broken up (so broken up)  
And I give up (I give up)  
I just want to tell you so you know.}

"I need to tell him..."

The words came out through wretched sobs, expressed through the immense sadness Kaoru felt that Kenshin was putting her through. "If he knew...he'd have to do something. He wouldn't leave me like this, would he?"

Thankfully, she was left alone with her thoughts. If Kenshin heard this, she was assured he'd dismiss her as a love sick fool. She felt as such...which was rare; she never loved or needed anyone this badly, especially someone who wasn't blood related.

She didn't think she'd ever fall in love..not like this, and certainly not with a man who's life was different one day to the next. She was always finding out something she didn't know about him before, and that both alarmed and excited her. Life was never boring...but it was never calm, and she was pretty sure that was why he didn't want to love her. There was, there must have been, something she didn't know that would allow it to all make sense.  
  
{Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you  
You are my only one.}

"Kenshin..." She slid open the door from her room which led to the porch, to find the object of her affections standing there in front of her.

"Kaoru-dono..." It hurt to say the honorific, this time. Because it was just another nail slamming the coffin to the rest of my life shut, allowing no light to shine through to heal the pain of the past.

"We need to talk." She said, tears falling down her cheeks.

"I know. Kaoru, I'm sorry..." I apologized with the last of everything I had left. I couldn't take anymore, it was too upsetting. Watching her cry, knowing it was because of a choice I made, whether it be for the best or not, hurt.

"No, you're not! Why won't....why won't you let me love you?" Her last words came quietly, almost too pained to say. "You're the one person I want to be with, but you're making it so difficult for both of us. Why?! Why are you torturing me? Torturing yourself...You said you want to be happy, you want to forgive yourself...But you're doing the opposite! I just don't understand!"

"It's not you, Kaoru, I swear.....And it's not something I wanted to happen, let me tell you," I started out gently, but I was still between a rock and a hard place. I was making no sense to myself, even.

"Then who is it? You?! That's..that's obvious, Kenshin. Tell me why..."

But I couldn't tell her why. Because I didn't know.

{I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do  
You are my only, my only one.} 

"I...." What could I tell her? "I can't tell you why," I said, bordering anger. Not with her, but myself...but it was coming out in a way that made it sound like I was mad at her.

"Yes, you can! You know why...." She sounded desperate for me to answer her, and I could understand where she was coming from. Confusion, anger, sadness...All my fault. It always was, inadvertently or not.

"It's because.....It's because I don't love you!" I shouted, and a feel of dread took over my entire being as I saw her eyes widen in shock and terror, her arms and legs tensing.

"I....I'm sorry," Kaoru said softly, turning around and walking into her room, conveniently a few steps away, and closing the door behind her, beginning to sob.

I could tell she didn't really believe it, though...I was pretty sure she knew I was lying. She knew me too well, and that was why I love her. I could try and try and try to let her go, but it would all be fruitless. She was the only one who knew me better than I ever knew myself.

{Made my mistakes, let you down  
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long.}

I couldn't take much more...Seeing her there, just standing there as her worst fears became a sudden reality, it was hard to stomach. And again, she was right, I was torturing her...It wasn't fair. I let her down, the one time she needed me the most, to be there to tell her everything was alright, that I did love her, and we'd be together forever...I couldn't.

I was too paranoid.

Someday she'd find out about Tomoe, and she'd know why I couldn't love her the way we both longed to.

I couldn't take much more...Just the mental image, it kept driving me insane. What have I done?

I decided to retire to my room, maybe...maybe if I could even get to sleep at all, I would figure something out to rectify all the damage I've caused.

{Ran my whole life in the ground  
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone.} 

I got a few hours of light, disturbing sleep, which did nothing but string me along for a few hours in hollow nothingness. But nothing, living in a dream where nothing I did mattered, was bliss. Until, of course, I had to wake up.

And what a rude awakening it was, Kaoru opening my shouji door and peering at my sleep filled eyes, which had only just opened.

She didn't seem angry, just upset still, circles under her eyes from lack of sleep, and the area around her eyes puffy from crying while she should have been resting. She looked exhausted, to top it all, which didn't suit her pretty features at all.

"Kenshin, I'm going...I don't know where, right now, but I'll be back eventually. I wouldn't want you to worry, after all." Her tone was icy when she said the last line, slipping the shouji shut as she walked out.

"Kaoru...." I sighed, closing my eyes and holding my head in my hands. It was her right to hate me. I even hated myself...

But I couldn't go after her. I couldn't even get up to apologize, as if my legs were frozen and I would be forced to live out my life sitting there, regretting what I had done.

I couldn't live with her.

But it was harder to live without her.

{And something's breaking up (breaking up)  
I feel like giving up (like giving up)  
I won't walk out until you know.} 

I needed something, I decided...Something to tell her I cared, inadvertently. A note. I could leave her a note, and I wouldn't do anything until she read it.

It was a bad way out, I knew. Dishonorable and naive. But.....if I began to talk to her, I wouldn't be able to avoid the look in her eyes that I saw the night before; confusion, sadness, anger, betrayal...I couldn't live with that again. I could write out my ideas so I didn't relive the same mistake twice.

I vowed I wouldn't leave the room until I wrote the note and made peace with her and myself.

And with that, I began to write: ink pot and ricepaper in hand.  
  
{Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you  
You are my only one  
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do  
You are my only my only one}

I couldn't piece together my feelings...I loved her more than life itself, but I couldn't seem to tell her in those words. I had to be careful; one wrong word, and I would ruin everything.

Though I couldn't do much worse damage than I had already.

After hours of thinking, I had a finished product...but another set of motives. I couldn't stay here after telling her what I had in this note; but oddly, I was finding it hard to leave.

I wondered if I had done the job correctly. I thought so hard about another way to go about this, and I thought of nothing else that could make this situation less bleak for the both of us.

_Kaoru- _

_I know I've done this more times then you care to remember. I know this seems like the easy way out, but I'm telling you...I'm sorry. I'm telling you the truth, now. More honesty than I think I've ever used with anyone. _

_I do care about you. I love you more than anything....But I can't allow it any longer. The next opponent may come after you, to get to me, and I can't let you down like that. _

_I look back at the times we shared. and I don't want to remember anymore. It hurts to see all the times I made you upset, made you cry...Once is enough. _

_You'll move on eventually, I promise. You'll find someone who deserves you more, who you love more...and who can keep you safe. _

_It hurts to leave, it really does...but it's in the best. It's all because I love you. Remember that._

{Here I go so dishonestly  
Leave a note for you my only one} 

The stars were twinkling merrily on the sky, as if to tell me not to do it, like I was making a mistake. I was, I was turning my back on the best thing that had ever happened to me.

And I knew it was cheap of me, leaving a note for her to find when she awoke in the morning. But it was the easiest way...I wouldn't have to see the tears I knew she'd cry for my departure. I would never subject her to something of that caliber again, not after this one last time.

I slowly opened the shouji door, and placed the note next to her futon, which held her beautiful sleeping form.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru, my love..." I said, in a whisper, and walked out again.

I was all ready to leave, to wonder again to an unknown place...But it was sad, turning my back on the people I had grown to love. I turned around, and faced the dojo to give it a long, final look.

"I'm sorry...I didn't want to take up the life of a wanderer again. But someday you'll all know why I did this...I had to protect you all."

And with that, I opened the gate, and shut the door on the best thing that had ever happened to my life.

{And I know you can see right through me  
So let me go and you will find someone.} 

It was shallow..so shallow, but I knew Kaoru would be so much better off without me. She would find someone better, like I had explained to her...And he would give her everything she wanted and needed. Kaoru deserved nothing but the best, and that was far from what I could offer.

Kaoru's eyes snapped open; she had heard him open the shouji but pretended to be asleep. She hurriedly sat up and skimmed through the note, some parts of which the ink had yet to settle.

"Kenshin!" She pulled her yukata tightly around her, and ran outside after him. 'I can't...let him leave.'

{Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you  
You are my only one.} 

"Kenshin!" She screamed for me, and I had to stop.

"Kaoru, no...you can't make this harder for me," I said, softly to myself.

"You're being foolish! How..how could you do this?!" She waved the note as she came upon me, and I could tell there were tears in her eyes already. "Can't you see I don't care?!"

"What....?" How could she not care?

"I don't care what happens to me! You....you're too concerned about hurting me physically that...That you have no idea how this is ripping me apart emotionally." Her words ended in a whisper, and I stared evenly at her for a few moments before answering.

"I can't...let you get hurt..." I said, slowly, my mind numbing.

{I let go, but there's just no one, no one like you  
You are my only, my only one.}

"You've already hurt me! You want to make it better? Stay...don't go," She begged, her eyes pleading with mine.

And I realized how big of a mistake I was making. She was the only person who would ever do this, who ever cared about me this much. I loved her...And I realized ow much I was hurting, too.

When she first accepted me into her home, I thought I would help for a few weeks then be on my way again, but I never leaved. Not by choice, anyways. This was my home, where I was finally accepted as the man I am and was in the past. I was with a woman I loved, friends I cared deeply about...and I was about to throw it all away for something that may never happen?

"We've been attacked before, Kenshin...So many enemies. We've come through, though....there's no reason to turn your back now. We can face whatever comes..."

{My only one  
My only one  
My only one  
You are my only, my only one.} 

Her words froze me for a moment, taking in what she was implying. "Are you saying...That you're going to be by my side?" I asked, in disbelief.

"Always, Kenshin." And she fell into my open arms, allowing me to wrap my arms around her and take in the scent of her hair, a lovely...jasmine? It just seemed so her, so right.

"Kaoru, whatever comes, I will always protect you," I promised, again.

"I know...." She said, smiling up at me. "And you will always be my only one."

**End.**

**It'd be mighty helpful if you could spare a review to tell me whatcha think!**

**And I know, somewhere, it says Kenshin's handwriting isn't all that neat...but...for all purposes involved... Heh heh....**


End file.
